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| have been thinking a lot lately and really felt an urge to write things down. Ever since I started "dating" (I guess it's the technical word), I was introduced more with the game "rules". Never would I know that the "game" was a lot more complicated than in college and factors involved no longer only consist of two parties but also the people behind the two parties. Why things always get harder as we grow older? Myabe I am making it all too complicated. Maybe I should just discard the whole idea of "blind dating" and just meet people by myself. Gosh...why is it so hard to find a good Christian guy?
Anyways, all these wining originated from having dad visit from Taiwan and the whole conversation about my life. I guess after I returned from China, more and more I thought about setting goals for my life BY MYSELF instead of following the "path" set by whoever. It is still hard to communicate with my parents and I have never felt so lonely in my life without having anyone who understands me closed by. Everyone is out there in the world fighting their own battles as well....God, I guess my training has not finished yet until I can solely depend on You alone! Note to self...need more worship time!
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| now I finally get a grasp of why the bible said, 保守你的心懷意念, 勝於一切.
I think it's easy to feel that one is in love sometimes, especially for girls. If there is the right atmosphere, the right jokes, the right food and with some alcohol, boom! everything could be magical. However, is it a "true" feeling? or it's just b/c of a whole combination of environment and emotions?
I had some really interesting experiences in Atlanta, GA. Maybe it's the trip back to Taiwan...maybe it's because I see so many firends get married...or maybe I see so many babies...or maybe it's just spring. I don't know, but I do have a couple of moments that I feel really attracted to this certain guy. However, when I sit down and think about it, he actually stresses me out usually because he swears so much when he is driving. There are also at times that I feel so irritated by this guy becuase of his tone for conversations. I start to examine myself. What is it that makes me so "desire" this guy sometimes? then I found ever since I become addicted to several drama, my heart starts to have a void which I could not fill it by drama or anything. More and more I try to search for all kinds of things to fill it, especially my fantacy of marriage and relationships.
Although the way I dealt with it in college was a little extreme where I just totally avoided it, I have reached to a point that I need to start praying about it. I have talked to several older "sisters" and they all encourage me to start "casual dating." It's not like I hang out with the guy with the sole purpose of going into a relationship, but to actually know myself more through the process of getting along with the opposite sex. I think my mentality is still very "traditional", thinking girls and guys should keep their distance. However, it's not health to keep such a big distance. But where is the balance? As I have been exploring the area, I realize that there is no accurate answer for the question because there is individual difference and only through trials and errors could one find one's boundry. I found that only through relying on God and praying through the process could I grow, but the process is quite painful because I found more flashly desires that have been covered up for years. Gosh.....growing up is complicated, why can't everyone be friends and live happily ever after?
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| sitting in my sister's office at Madison, writing this entry and listening to JS at youtube. If you don't know who they are, dude, check them out!!! they are so good and they are Christians too!!! I am very thankful that I found them on youtube because they have beautiful voices. Listening to them makes me want to write on xanga, just reflecting how I felt these days. I can't believe how much I don't know myself because I did not know why I was so addicted to drama these days until I stopped watching it and listened to some Christian songs. The moment when I heard some Christian songs, I felt so relieved emotionally. I felt that as if I am finally free again and being myself again. I guess unconsciously I am worrying about all the residency interviews and all. I started to have doubts and even anger towards myself why that I did not study harder so that this whole process could be easier.
Now I have finished all the interviews. Thinking back about all the traveling and the talking to all these different people, I actually missed the process because I got to see friends along the way and I could be the person who leaves instead of staying. Ya...it's a weird mentality. I remembered Li once told me that she felt like every time she saw me, I always told her that I was struggling with something. She never heard me saying that I was enjoying staying at one place. I was shocked to hear that but it was true. When I thought about it, I felt like I have always thought of another place when I could have appreciated more the place that I am staying right now. Maybe this is a lesson that God wants me to learn, which is not to always escape but to face every day's life with a grateful and content heart.
Soon I will have to sit down and really make my rank list about the residencies that I want to go. Pray that God will let me really see where my heart really wants to go despite it may not coincide with my parents' wishes....God, may you help me to cut the umbilical cord b/w my parents and I so that I could rely on you solely and only you.
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| 2010 is gonna be the life-changing year for me b/c it's the year that I will graduate from med school; the year I will find out where I will end up for the next 3 years; the year of .....making my own decision. Right now I am sitting in CDC office and still can't believe I am here. CDC is like the dream place that I want to work at eventually. This is my first day and everything and everyone that I encounter so far has been magical and so unreal. To give some thanks, my landlord is absolutely sweet about introducing me to Atlanta. She picked me up at the station, gave me a tour around CDC and Emory and most importantly, she brought me to grocery shopping. Out of all the gratitude, I cooked her dinner. (good that it turned out okay...^^") She liked the dinner so much that she ended up giving me more resources and even a free ticket to museum. GEESH....although she is kinda weird and I don't think we click, just basing on the niceness, I think we will be okay. Her house, on the other hand, is soooo pretty with all the trees around. Man...I love TREES!!! can't tell you how happy I was when I heard that Atlanta is a tree city, but it is a pain not to have a car and it's SOOO COLD!!! I thought I have escaped the coldness by coming to the "south"!! Anyways, the trip back to TW this time is filled with a lot of God's grace. Starting from my visit to Harvest Rock at LA, I can't believe a woman prayed for my family's salvation at the service when we were praying together. She told me just to bless and pray throughout the trip and that advise pretty much stayed with me for the whole trip. My interaction with my grandma, although still pretty draining, I found strength and patience in so many ways and most astoundingly, love for my grandma. I don't know how I manage to accompany her so many hours without being influenced/hurt, but I did it. It is definitely God's grace that we only fought once and I went with her to the hospital for a whole 2 wks. Another thing to be thankful is that I was able to draw closer to my sister through helping her at her application. Although writing the application took up a lot of my free time, I got to talk to my sister about God and also went to her fellowship called GBS Taipei which consisted of mostly ppl returned to TW from US. It's a quite awesome group with vision. I like the leader a lot with his energy and his unique approach to young professions in TW. May God continue to protect him from all the temptations and evil. Towards the end of my TW trip, I found it's harder to leave than last year. I don't know whether it's because I started to feel that I need to link with my family or that I feel more connected with Taiwan as my country. Either one, I do see that my parents and my grandmother have a few more grey hair and they look older than the last visit I had. My dad was even talking to me about possibilities for training or working in TW after I finished residency in US. I was surprised that he brought up the topic b/c I always thought that he wanted to push me to the most prestigious program that I could get in. This time the "match making" theme also became prominent in most of the family dinners or get-togethers. It's actually a little embarrassing for me that I have to pose for the "blind date" picture. geeesh.....I really rather meet the guy myself instead of through some arrangement, but I have to give credits to those professional match maker because they look up the "pedigree" for all the candidates. I guess they did the same for me too....feel like I am being sold as a product, just that education and degrees are the prime selling points in this market.
Anyways, my new year resolutions!! I decide to do it the SMART way this year - specific, measurable, action, realistic, t? I have decided on loosing my wt in 3 months for 20 lbs through exercising at least once a week and cooking meals at least once per wk. The second resolution is to practice guitar at least 30 min every other day. I am definitely determined for that goal ever since I talked to Jeff and witnessed how fast he has advanced in his guitar and producing skills. I have even bought two books from Taiwan for serious fingerstyle practicing stuff. PEOPLE, wait and see!! I am going to be better with my guitar!! Thirdly, I want to take much better care for my skin. Lastly, although I am still very hestitated in making any commitment, I really want to cut down my obsession with Korean/Taiwanese drama. I pray that God gives me reverance of God that I will try to lead a godly and holy life.
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| After a 2 wk straight of crazy interviews, I almost did not care about the interviews I went on anymore. All the programs did all seem to blur together and food became more and more important as a deciding factor for the residency...(HAHHAA....j/k) However, there was one program which was definitely rude of not providing breakfast and yet asked us to be there like 7:30AM. Besides that, the resident let all the applicants struggled with the door when we came in b/c the door was locked such early hour. I don't know whether he was enjoying it as an entertainment or that was a test?! Anyways, during the interview trail, I managed to squeeze in (of course due to my ADD) a bunch of visits to my old friends. Although it involved a lot of driving (one ridiculous time was that I drove to Westgate mall with pouring rain and yet sat there waiting for 30 min. What's even funny was I ended up giving the person a ride to church after 5 min hanging out in the mall), it's def. a pleasure meeting and talking to people. I am actually pretty amazed by my own change b/c I usually don't like to just sit around and talk. I love sports, outdoors and SERIOUS conversation. I remembered every time I shared at fellowship, it also followed with an akward silence. I don't know whether it's b/c it does not make sense or it's too serious that ppl need to think for a little bit.
But now, I take a lot of interests in meeting and talking to new people. I think everyone's life experiences are fascinating and there is so much for me to learn from the path that ppl took before. Recently, I got reminded by a young brother. We were talking about multimedia and music production, which is an area of my great interests!! Every year when I visit Mustardseed, I always bug that brother about his most recent production and stuff. Every time I will tell him that I really want to learn guitar more, but yet every year my guitar skill seems to linger at the same level - entry level. As we were talking about his past project, he told me that actually a lot of ppl approached him to ask about how to learn guitar. However, not every one is willing to invest the time and energy to follow through. He himself actually made a clear conscious decision of cutting out some unnecessary entertainment in order to practice and learn guitar by himself. He also picked up music production, mixing and other stuff. He said that I need to think about my goal in multimedia/music ministry since there are multiple roles in those ministry. That conversation really sticked with me b/c I truly was convicted that I need to start managing my time a lot better. There are so many dreams and "gifts" (I think...?) that God gives me, but did I take the time to really utilize them?? With my addiction to drama, there were so many times I felt bored by watching them but I still did b/c I did not have a vision/goal!!! and AGAIN, God always knitted things together so that the message grows louder and clear. That Sun, pastor Matina shared about her vision for young people worship and prayer movement. She encouraged everyone to hang on the vision and wait patiently. The sermon reminded me that I used to have the same vision but I felt like I have lost it b/c of med school. There was just too much frustration in finding a church and spiritual family that I just gave up and ended up struggling with just every day spiritual life. I led my life like one day at a time b/c that's all the energy I left after all the hospital work and socializing with patients. GOSH.....how did I loose my vision?
Now with this break in between interviews, once again I became a little bitter about the invitation that I did not get and the potential "wow" that I could have received from ppl....yes, it's pride...it's the worldly view...it's the little faith that I have in God.....I pray that I could be stronger, more joyful and thankful in God's will. To be honest, it's already a miracle that I got what I got b/c of my terrible grades. I think it's still hard fro me to give up the title of a "good student", always standing on top of my class and having something to attract ppl's attention. God, help me to love who I am, no matter is my strength or my weakness and let me see my self worth is not based on ppl's recognition. I need to make a decision of my career based on my inspiration instead of how I can earn ppl's approval.
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